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It Takes A Village

I'm not sure if I wrote about these thoughts/experiences. If I have, please forgive me. Time becomes a funny thing during this journey. For the longest time my mind simply would not and could not plan or look out beyond a few months. It was too painful and emotionally and physically uncertain to. Most stories I hear about getting cancer have had one commonality. "The outpouring was amazing, community, etc " I chose not to expose myself to the possibility of knowing and having this support, and I wonder these days if that was a bad decision. My parents have kept things "top secret". I'm generally a private person, and from my experience with a really hard time in my life after grad school, I learned people may mean well, but when going through a prolonged hard period of time, it can get old for many people. During those hard times, there were friends I lost. Yes one does find out who her true friends are during hard times...but in this respect I wouldn...
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Loss....of hair, and other musings

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As soon as I found out I'd have to go through chemo I looked into cold caps, dignicaps, frozen caps, you name it. For those of you who don't know what these are, they are basically frozen swimming caps you freeze in dry ice and swap out every 30 minutes with special gloves to try to keep 60-70% of your hair. They are more frequently used in Europe than the US. And as much as I really really wanted to keep my hair, I couldn't justify finding & getting dry ice at a random gas station each morning before my 830am chemo, and could not envision my very lazy (when it comes to anything physical labor intensive) mom helping me on and off with these every 30 minutes. Plus some people have said they really hurt bc you get brain freeze in the beginning. In the end though, after deciding to have chemo in San Diego, the only facilities that provided the dignicap technology - the kind you simply plug into your hat - were the larger University hospitals like UCSD. The hair loss...
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Some helpful articles & resources

https://player.fm/series/dnx-digital-nomad-podcast-with-silvia-christmann/katia-bozhikova-how-death-informs-life https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/dont-waste-your-cancer
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Safety net

I thought once I saw chemo was coming to an end I'd feel joyous, relieved. Basically I associated only positive emotions with it. I actually freaked out, had a panic attack, and almost didn't take my flight back to nyc and offered to move back to where my parents live just to avoid flying back. Yes it was that bad. Apparently this is normal. When people are going through chemo, it's easy to get into the, "what do I need to do " zone and focus on tasks at hand. There is also the support of the Oncologist and nurse(s) during all the lab draws, chemo sessions, etc In my case, I also had a broken up with my boyfriend, so  no longer had him to hide behind, and things had to get real. My mom gave one piece of advice which helped me get on the plane. She said, "if you don't go back now you'll never go back. Just go, and if things are really bad once you're there call me and I can come get you." I really shrank into my comfort and safety z...
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My Epitath

So I'm now single. And in many ways I feel like the real struggle begins. No more distractions, I'm faced with myself and cancer. How will I date again one day? How will I live with this thing? I am very scared to be alone. I also realized recently that many times when people hear cancer, they automatically assume you are going to die. I am now realizing why my parents have been keeping this a secret. I think they've wanted to help shield me from people's sometimes insensitive comments. Been trying to read some more about God and cancer online, bits of sermons. I went to Palm Springs for a night this wknd with a friend. It was very soothing. 
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Resources

https://www.whittystittycommittee.com/home/coping-with-chemo-hair-loss https://www.skincancer.org/products?SubCategoryId=1 http://gctf.org.nz/index.htm https://www.cancercare.org/community_programs#!new_york_city https://www.cancercare.org/blog/cancercare-and-sephora-partner-to-bring-brave-beauty-classes-to-clients https://drmowll.com/what-is-the-fasting-mimicking-diet/ https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594630879/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl_nodl?ie=UTF8&tag=the7lawofmagt-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1594630879 https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.today.com/today/amp/flna8C11418698 https://leftbreast.wordpress.com/about/ https://player.fm/series/dnx-digital-nomad-podcast-with-silvia-christmann/katia-bozhikova-how-death-informs-life
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Getting harder- 4A and 5A

So overall, I've had it as easy and comfortable as possible given the situation. I'm on Abraxane instead of paclitaxel, when I fly cross country every week I'm able to fly in seats with flat beds so I get a good night's rest, and my parents are still alive so my mom is able to drive me to my treatments (I'm 40). Something happened beginning with the midway point though. I began to get a bit more depressed, and chemo 4A was really really hard. I had to cancel 3 flights bc I felt too unwell to fly, including once being at the airport and then asking my mom to turn back while I canceled my flight on the phone. 4B was more manageable but I began getting cold sores on my tongue which I hadn't gotten before. I was told to get throat lozenges which seemed to help a bit. I just had 5A yesterday. I felt somewhat okay and went to lunch with some friends. And then guess what. Outside a little ways I suddenly threw up and peed in my pants /on my dress. It would have ...
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