Getting harder- 4A and 5A

So overall, I've had it as easy and comfortable as possible given the situation. I'm on Abraxane instead of paclitaxel, when I fly cross country every week I'm able to fly in seats with flat beds so I get a good night's rest, and my parents are still alive so my mom is able to drive me to my treatments (I'm 40).

Something happened beginning with the midway point though. I began to get a bit more depressed, and chemo 4A was really really hard. I had to cancel 3 flights bc I felt too unwell to fly, including once being at the airport and then asking my mom to turn back while I canceled my flight on the phone.

4B was more manageable but I began getting cold sores on my tongue which I hadn't gotten before. I was told to get throat lozenges which seemed to help a bit.

I just had 5A yesterday. I felt somewhat okay and went to lunch with some friends. And then guess what. Outside a little ways I suddenly threw up and peed in my pants /on my dress. It would have felt more mortifying if I were "healthy", but given I'm going through chemo, it happens.

I know I just have 3 more infusions, only 1 more being the really hard one. I want to say why do I have to go through this at this age? But there's no point in going down that road bc this is simply my life right now. I won't lie though. I feel a bit isolated, and it sucks right now. I know it'll pass but I feel crummy. 

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Resources

https://www.whittystittycommittee.com/home/coping-with-chemo-hair-loss https://www.skincancer.org/products?SubCategoryId=1 http://gctf.org.nz/index.htm https://www.cancercare.org/community_programs#!new_york_city https://www.cancercare.org/blog/cancercare-and-sephora-partner-to-bring-brave-beauty-classes-to-clients https://drmowll.com/what-is-the-fasting-mimicking-diet/ https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594630879/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl_nodl?ie=UTF8&tag=the7lawofmagt-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1594630879 https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.today.com/today/amp/flna8C11418698 https://leftbreast.wordpress.com/about/ https://player.fm/series/dnx-digital-nomad-podcast-with-silvia-christmann/katia-bozhikova-how-death-informs-life
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