Loss....of hair, and other musings
As soon as I found out I'd have to go through chemo I looked into cold caps, dignicaps, frozen caps, you name it.
For those of you who don't know what these are, they are basically frozen swimming caps you freeze in dry ice and swap out every 30 minutes with special gloves to try to keep 60-70% of your hair. They are more frequently used in Europe than the US. And as much as I really really wanted to keep my hair, I couldn't justify finding & getting dry ice at a random gas station each morning before my 830am chemo, and could not envision my very lazy (when it comes to anything physical labor intensive) mom helping me on and off with these every 30 minutes. Plus some people have said they really hurt bc you get brain freeze in the beginning.
In the end though, after deciding to have chemo in San Diego, the only facilities that provided the dignicap technology - the kind you simply plug into your hat - were the larger University hospitals like UCSD.
The hair loss began about 11 days after my first chemo session. While I had my hair I still felt somewhat normal, sexy, with the semblance of being a woman. When I began losing it, I had a very interesting reaction. I didn't want to throw away my hair myself, so I kept gathering it and leaving it in front of my parents bedroom for my mom to throw away. And for whatever reason, I knew it was a 4 year old side coming out.
Hair loss.....represents so much. Or it did to me. Loss of youth, control, beauty, dignity, face...
Funnily enough though, today I was cleaning my nyc apt. This is no small feat, as ever since chemo started I stopped doing a lot of things for myself ie cooking, cleaning. I finally did my own laundry today, and was brushing my rugs, cleaning my bathroom. And there was all this hair which used to be such a nuisance. But today I longed for it so much, while telling myself, hey, at least I don't have that problem anymore.
And I cry as I write this...Even though...
I laughed when I went to a good gay guy friend's birthday party a couple nights ago, and he didn't recognize me initially because of my wig.
And honored myself when I canceled that first date last minute yesterday because I just didn't have the confidence and courage to go on a first date with my wig on..
And am so grateful to my friends who went with me to the wig store, helped me navigate the world of wigs...
And even though I try to find comfort in my mom and friends words that hair will grow back, getting better comes first...
It's been hard.
For those of you who don't know what these are, they are basically frozen swimming caps you freeze in dry ice and swap out every 30 minutes with special gloves to try to keep 60-70% of your hair. They are more frequently used in Europe than the US. And as much as I really really wanted to keep my hair, I couldn't justify finding & getting dry ice at a random gas station each morning before my 830am chemo, and could not envision my very lazy (when it comes to anything physical labor intensive) mom helping me on and off with these every 30 minutes. Plus some people have said they really hurt bc you get brain freeze in the beginning.
In the end though, after deciding to have chemo in San Diego, the only facilities that provided the dignicap technology - the kind you simply plug into your hat - were the larger University hospitals like UCSD.
The hair loss began about 11 days after my first chemo session. While I had my hair I still felt somewhat normal, sexy, with the semblance of being a woman. When I began losing it, I had a very interesting reaction. I didn't want to throw away my hair myself, so I kept gathering it and leaving it in front of my parents bedroom for my mom to throw away. And for whatever reason, I knew it was a 4 year old side coming out.
Hair loss.....represents so much. Or it did to me. Loss of youth, control, beauty, dignity, face...
Funnily enough though, today I was cleaning my nyc apt. This is no small feat, as ever since chemo started I stopped doing a lot of things for myself ie cooking, cleaning. I finally did my own laundry today, and was brushing my rugs, cleaning my bathroom. And there was all this hair which used to be such a nuisance. But today I longed for it so much, while telling myself, hey, at least I don't have that problem anymore.
And I cry as I write this...Even though...
I laughed when I went to a good gay guy friend's birthday party a couple nights ago, and he didn't recognize me initially because of my wig.
And honored myself when I canceled that first date last minute yesterday because I just didn't have the confidence and courage to go on a first date with my wig on..
And am so grateful to my friends who went with me to the wig store, helped me navigate the world of wigs...
And even though I try to find comfort in my mom and friends words that hair will grow back, getting better comes first...
It's been hard.
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