Mini breakdown

So I've made it through 5 infusions, or through 3a if you will. I'm *almost* halfway through. I've always been a little bit delayed with my emotional response. But yesterday, it finally came to a head. I felt at work they were possibly trying to use my illness /increase in working from home as a way to push me out. I've been fighting a ton with my boyfriend. I tried listening to "rid negativity Reiki music" and "higher frequency music" even to try to break up the bad energy. I remembered a friend telling me Christian music helped her. I was amazed to discover how much it calmed me down.

I had a sudden urge to finally go to church again. I though I was ready to finally "have it out with God" and confront all my feelings even though it's obvious who wins every time. I found a Wednesday evening service in Harlem and decided to go for it. It was a small service, and the pastor was wonderful. She prayed with me, and I finally let it out. 2.5 months in it still feels weird to me to say, I have cancer, I'm going through chemo. And this time I cried when I said the words. But it felt good to be in this safe space. I felt safer being a newcomer at this service than my own church. Maybe I am still compartmentalizing. I think this was necessary to go. For a brief moment while praying I felt, I don't know why, but do feel this is where God has brought me so must be where I need to be in the bigger picture of things that I can't see.

I flip back and forth between my own wishful thinking, denial, what is God's word, my interpretation. These days just try to let the thoughts and feelings come and go as they need. All I know is this is all a lot to process, and I probably won't feel safe to finish processing it until after chemo is over. For now I just need to get through chemo these next few months...